


To Open The Cage

by captainchakyeon



Series: My Metamorphosis [3]
Category: VIXX
Genre: Coming Out, Gen, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, LGBTQ Character, Light Angst, Trans Male Character, Transgender Hakyeon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-31
Updated: 2019-06-05
Packaged: 2019-10-19 19:48:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17607836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captainchakyeon/pseuds/captainchakyeon
Summary: Out of all the things Hakyeon has done in his life, coming out to his other members was the most difficult thing for him to do.





	1. Unlocking the Cage

Out of all the things Hakyeon has done in his life, coming out to his other members was the most difficult thing for him to do. When he began getting closer with the other trainees after signing to Jellyfish, his fear of his friends hating him after finding out Hakyeon’s secret came back in full swing.

But by the time Mydol came around, all the members had their suspicions for a long while by then. It was inevitable by then that he'd have to tell the others at some point, as scared as Hakyeon might be.

They wondered why even in the hot summer months Hakyeon would wear a shirt while everyone walked around shirtless. They'd tilt their head at Hakyeon suddenly going quiet when they were talking about when they were young boys and refusing to say much about his childhood. They worried why Hakyeon had to have weekly check-ins with Dr. Park, and he'd shrug it off as not being serious but never giving details.

Hakyeon was usually so open and friendly, so the others were perplexed as to why he was so enigmatic in such seemingly odd areas. Why would he hide the need to check in with the medical staff once a week? Or be vague about his own childhood? Or never show his torso, even in the privacy of his own residence? Regardless of his sporadic reclusiveness, the members slowly got adjusted to it; thinking that that's just how Hakyeon must be and left it alone… for the most part.


	2. The First One With A Key

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this...is not my best work..please forgive me

The first member Hakyeon came out to was Taekwoon, in late 2011.

Taekwoon was one of the few trainees there his age, the rest all younger than them. So therefore Hakyeon gravitated towards Taekwoon, glad to have someone there his age. Very soon after Hakyeon met the other, he learnt Taekwoon wasn't one for talking much. He was a man of few words, usually said very quietly. To Taekwoon's demise, Hakyeon found this endlessly adorable. So, knowing that Taekwoon was the shyest out of the bunch, Hakyeon took it upon himself to befriend him as the outgoing, unofficial leader.

Taekwoon quickly found out Hakyeon can be overbearing, overly affectionate, and he talked just a bit too much for his taste. He spent much of their time spent together listening to Hakyeon talk to him and try at a conversation with little success, enduring the countless hugs, arms over the shoulders, head pats, hair playing, and never ending questions about if he slept well or if he ate lunch yet. 

Taekwoon wanted to be mad at Hakyeon, sometimes it was just too much for him. But at the same time he never had someone put in this much effort just to befriend him before. There's been countless times people tried to get him to talk or smile just for the fun of it, teasing him when he wouldn't. With Hakyeon there wasn't any of that. He's attempts at friendship, while a bit much at times, were wholeheartedly genuine and caring.

And so they became close friends over time, Taekwoon slowly but surely unraveling himself to Hakyeon. And with each piece of him revealed, Hakyeon treasured every bit with a smile. Over the years, Hakyeon became the person he trusted most.

But the thing was, Taekwoon felt that he still didn't have a big piece of Hakyeon unlocked yet. As forward and friendly as he is, there still was something about him that wasn't explained yet. It puzzled Taekwoon for a long time, and he wasn't sure if he should ask about it. But at the same time, it was bothering him like an itch he can't scratch.

And so, one afternoon when the rest of the trainees were off doing their individual tasks, the opportunity arose for Taekwoon to find out.

Taekwoon entered into their shared room, not thinking of knocking first. Hakyeon was lying shirtless on his bed reading a book, and once he heard the door creak, he quickly flipped to lay on his stomach instead. Hakyeon internally cursed as he realized there was no shirt within reach.

“You okay, hyung?” Taekwoon asked, while tilting his head.

“Yeah, I'm fine.” Hakyeon said, his voice small. He hoped and wished Taekwoon will leave the room soon. He may have had top surgery, and have barely noticeable scars, but he was still extremely conscious of how his chest looked.

Taekwoon in fact, did not leave the room anytime soon. Instead, he sat on his bed across from Hakyeon’s, and began asking the other about the book he was currently holding.

Hakyeon gave him an odd look, as close as they are, it was still a bit weird for Taekwoon to start a conversation, especially small talk. Hakyeon knew how much he disliked small talk.

“What do you want, Daeguni?” Hakyeon asked, his eyes squinting at the younger.

“Why are you acting weird?” Taekwoon straightforwardly said. "Why do you act so odd at times?"

“Well, why are you acting weird?” Hakyeon reversed the question, wondering the same thing about the other.

“I asked first.”

“I have no idea what you're talking about.”

“Yes, yes you do. Why are you the only one in this household who hides himself and never even goes shirtless? Why do you not talk about your past girlfriends, or your childhood to us?” Taekwoon states, starting to go off on a tangent. It’s been a long time coming, as he’s wanted an answer to these questions for a while now, and he wasn’t sure of why it’s all coming out now, but at least he was getting it off his chest. “Why do you visit Dr. Park every Sunday but don't tell us what's wrong or let us go with you, Hakyeon? You can tell us, I promise you. You shouldn't isolate yourself like this. I get you might insecure but we’re not going to judge you.”

Hakyeon is taken aback, partly because of the fact that Taekwoon said so much at a very loud volume - for Taekwoon anyway, and because none of the members have ever been so straightforward before. He definitely did not expect it out of Taekwoon, either.

“You want the truth?” Hakyeon asked quietly after a moment of silence, while his anxiety was hitting an all time peak.

“Of course I do.” Taekwoon said, his voice softer.

“I've wanted to tell you guys for so long… trust me when I say I didn't want to keep this from you..” Hakyeon started off, he slowly got off his stomach, but still covered his chest with his arms. “I was afraid you'd judge me, hate me or something…”

“...Why would I hate you?” Taekwoon inquired, dumbfounded at the fact that Hakyeon thought he could ever hate him.

“I'm transgender, Taekwoon.” Hakyeon broke out into a sob, his hands were shaking and he found himself unable to look the other in the eye. “I wasn't born like this. I wasn't born a male.”

Taekwoon’s face changed, into something unreadable - although not anger, nor disappointment. He stalled for a moment, trying to think of the correct words to say, Taekwoon’s never met a transgender person before so he wasn’t sure of what was the right thing to say.

“You… so that’s why…?” Taekwoon slowly said, trying to comprehend the situation. Hakyeon looked away so Taekwoon couldn’t see his eyes tear up, he nodded as he still covered his chest with his hands.

“I get it, it’s absurd, disgusting even. You wouldn’t be the first to tell me that.” Hakyeon stated quietly, he could feel a tear making it’s way down his cheek. He let out a shaky breath, the tension in the room not going away. “I know you likely think I’m a freak of nature, just don’t tell the others, not yet.”

“W-why would I think that?” Taekwoon stuttered out, nervous himself. His concern grew as he heard Hakyeon putting himself down as disgusting or a freak. Sure, Taekwoon didn’t really understand being transgender, he had no idea of the ins and outs of it, but surely that doesn’t make someone disgusting or absurd. “Hakyeon, you aren’t any of those things. Why are you saying such things?”

“People… people have said those things to me before…” Hakyeon quietly muttered out. “It gets to a point where you start to believe it yourself…”

“If I say something, can you promise me to try and believe it?” Taekwoon sad, getting up from his bed to kneel next to Hakyeon. Hr gently clasped one of Hakyeon’s hands in both of his. The older looked at him with hesitance, his eyes were watery and full of self-conscious feelings. Nonetheless, he nodded to Taekwoon. “I may not know much about being transgender, and please forgive me if I’m ignorant at times, but I’m your friend, Hakyeon. You’re one of the few people on this earth who’ve shown persistent support and genuine interest in me as a friend, despite me being shyer than anything else. I’d be damned if I didn’t show you that same support, too.”

Hakyeon was wordless, never having a friend before who had accepted him so quickly. His heart ached at the lack of judgement and fear in the other’s eyes, and the amount of support Taekwoon has instead chosen to show. Hakyeon let a few more tears fall, and Taekwoon went to hug him tightly. He wasn’t one for much physical contact - he rarely knew how to initiate it, but he did know Hakyeon finds it comforting so Taekwoon guessed accurately that that is a time where he needed it.

Hakyeon burrowed his face in Taekwoon’s shoulder, trying to keep his sobbing to a minimum; coming out had always been emotionally hard for him, mainly because rarely anyone was accepting afterwords. But those were happy tears, ones of relief and finally finding someone to be fully comfortable around. He could finally let a wall down now that he otherwise constantly has up to protect himself. 

Taekwoon let him cry for a good bit, before asking him if he wanted to sneak out of the dorms, to go get some coffee and food. Hakyeon smiled slightly before agreeing, as he knew that iwas Taekwoon’s way of trying to cheer him up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr; captainchakyeon  
> twitter; vixxiah
> 
> kudos/comments are always treasured uwu


	3. To Unlock One Cage Is To Unlock Another

The second and third member he came out to was Hongbin and Wonshik.

It was a late night in January 2012, and they were the last ones in the kitchen, raiding the cabinets for any lost or hidden snacks. It was past when they should be awake, but being the reckless young boys they were, they didn't give much thought to it. Even Hakyeon being the responsible leader, forgot about his leadership for a while to bond with the younger two for a while.

Hongbin was sat on the counter with a packet of shrimp flavored chips, happily munching away at the salty snack. Wonshik was searching the fridge, and quickly found two glass sodas in the back. He handed one to Hakyeon, opening the other for himself.

“So, may I ask why the unofficial leader isn't reprimanding us for staying up late?” Hongbin asked, arching his eyebrows. 

“Because I know you'll regret it at our morning dance lesson regardless.” Hakyeon shrugged, taking a swig of the Cola. “Besides, sometimes I like to stay up and ponder, as well.”

“Wait, we have a schedule tomorrow?” Wonshik deadpanned, looking to Hakyeon. Everyone in the dorm knows how Wonshik hates early mornings, and they all know how hard it is to get him to actually wake up, and that’s without a late night beforehand. Hakyeon nodded yes to his question with a sympathetic look. “Damn it.”

“Okay there, mister cool leader.” Hongbin said with a side of sarcasm. “What do you ponder about at night? The next book you'll read or something?”

“Excuse me, I ponder about better things than that.” Hakyeon rolled his eyes at the younger. “Though books are sometimes included.”

“Okay, what do you ponder about then?” Hongbin asked, more seriously this time. “Honestly, sometimes I don't know what's going on inside your head.”

“Yeah, for as friendly as you are, you're a bit enigmatic at times.” Wonshik scoffed and took a drink of his soda. “Definitely not as much as Taekwoon, but still.”

“Oh dude, what if he's secretly a government agent sent to spy on us?” Hongbin jokingly conspired to Wonshik, and slapped him on his shoulder. “I bet Cha Hakyeon isn't even his legal name!”

“It didn't used to be, actually.” Hakyeon seriously stated, fiddling with the glass bottle lid in his hand. Wonshik turned his head; he almost wanted to laugh for a second, thinking he was continuing the joke, but picked up on the serious tone. Hakyeon’s heartbeat started picking up as he knew where this conversation will turn. Regardless, he feels that they should know.

“Oh, you changed your name? That's fairly common I suppose.” Hongbin said, noticing the serious change in Hakyeon’s presence. “Can I ask why though?”

“My name was Cha Hyeji.” Hakyeon replied after a silent moment. “It didn't suit me anymore.”

“Hyeji..?” Wonshik’s face looked to him with slight confusion after exchanging a look with Hongbin. “Correct me if I'm wrong but, isn't that usually a girl's name?”

“Yeah, you're right.” Hakyeon nodded, looking down at his feet. He finds it hard to look the others in the eye right now.

“Hakyeon wait… am I understanding this right?” Hongbin asked gently, putting together the pieces in his mind. Hakyeon got the feeling he's hit the nail on the head.

“I'm confused. Why would your parents name you a girl's name?” Wonshik inquired, scratching his neck. He definitely didn't have the nail on the head yet.

“I wasn't a boy when I was born, Wonshik.” Hakyeon stated, looking towards the other with a vulnerable look. “My parents named me that because up until I was thirteen, I was perceived as a girl to my family.”

“You… you were a girl?” Wonshik face changed to shock. “But you're a boy now, a man! How is that possible?”

“There's people who aren't the gender they're born as, they're called transgender.” Hongbin interjected, helping to explain as he noticed Hakyeon freeze up a bit. “Their body is one gender, but their brain functions as another gender.”

“Woah wait - how does that even work?” Wonshik asked with his head tilted, a bit dumbfounded. He looked between Hakyeon and Hongbin, very lost on what Hakyeon meant. This was obviously very new to him. “So you just, changed genders? How would that work?”

“I'll spare you the gruesome details, but I've been on hormone injections for several years, and I've had surgery on my chest.” Hakyeon explained, very nervously. Hongbin seemed a bit shocked but not that bothered - he surprisingly knew a bit about the subject; but Wonshik on the other hand seemed rather clueless. “I've had my name legally changed, and Dr. Park has been helping me with my weekly injections and my transitioning since I came to Jellyfish.”

Wonshik stood still for a moment, leaning against the counter. His face showed a bit of confusion as he processes what Hakyeon stated. It made Hakyeon all the more nervous, as he couldn't tell what Wonshik was thinking, he wished he'd just say something at this point so he'd know.

"Did you know about this, Hongbin?" Wonshik asked, looking over to him. "You don't seem as… confused."

"Hakyeon never told me, no." Hongbin stated honestly with a shake of his head. "Albeit, I have heard of transgender folk before - there was a kid at my school who was. From what he told me, I did have my suspicions of Hakyeon. Although I didn't want to assume or pressure him so I never asked."

"... You had suspicions about me?" Hakyeon asked Hongbin, his jaw dropped a bit. Of course, if someone already knew a fair bit about being transgender they'd suspect something about Hakyeon so he wasn't surprised by that factor. The fact that Hongbin never brought it up with him was a little off-putting. He could’ve had someone who he didn’t have to hide from all this time.

"I didn't want to assume, I mean it's hard to tell if someone is transgender or not sometimes." Hongbin shrugged, putting down the bag of chips. "I didn't know for sure, so you might have taken it insultingly if you weren't."

"Oh, I see." Hakyeon nodded, understanding the point Hongbin made. "I don't think I would be insulted either way, but I see your point."

"Yeah, I just didn't want to start potential conflict with you." Hongbin said, dusting off his thighs of the dust from the snack. "I'm sure you're awfully aware of how conservative people are here, so I wasn't exactly sure how you stood on the issue before now."

"I understand, and unfortunately so." Hakyeon affirms with a solemn look, being reminded of the current political climate about transgender people, and the LGBT community as a whole. It's part of the reason why he was so nervous telling them.

"I mean… I was confused on why you went about certain things compared to the others, but I didn't know it was anything like this. I had no idea, hyung..." Wonshik spoke up, almost in a melancholic way after listening to the other two. "I'm sorry I just - I have no idea on how to handle this sort of thing. I don't know exactly what to say."

"It's alright Wonshik, you can take your time. It's big, I know. I shouldn't have sprang it on you two like that, anyway." Hakyeon states, trying to ease Wonshik's feeling of being lost on the subject. At the same time though, Hakyeon couldn't help but feel rejected in a way. He's had so many friends in the past never get over the phase of confusion regarding his gender, even though he's tried to explain plenty of times on his situation. At the same time, he does understand it is a big topic, especially for someone who’s never heard of it before.

“No, I’m glad you told me, hyung.” Wonshik said genuinely, looking to Hakyeon. “I know it’s a big deal to come out and say that, I suppose I’m simply afraid to react oddly or say the wrong thing. You know I’m not the best with words sometimes.”

Hakyeon gave him a small acknowledging smile, and tried to not be too overly emotional. He felt conflicted, his insecure and self-protecting side was still telling him that he wasn’t completely sure on how either of them felt about his gender. Other than that Wonshik wanted to be considerate, and Hongbin had his suspicions. There was a big chance they could view him completely different from here on out. Hakyeon knew you can be considerate of things and still disagree with them totally, and that thought in his mind scared him. Maybe he was overthinking, but at the same time he still found himself scared and nervous.

[An hour later]

Hakyeon found himself out on their small balcony, looking out at the countless lights of the city. It was absolutely freezing, being in the middle of January at night. But Hakyeon had wool socks on and a thick blanket wrapped around him so he didn’t feel too cold. Wonshik and Hongbin headed to bed soon after their conversation in the kitchen, but Hakyeon opted out of sleep for some time to ponder alone. He still had an early morning, but that didn’t seem to matter then.

After a few moments of being by himself, Hakyeon heard the door open and close. He looked up to see Hongbin with his own blanket wrapped around him with two mugs of tea. Hakyeon is a bit surprised that Hongbin was still up, but takes the mug of tea out of the younger’s hand when he offers it to him without question.

“What are you doing out here?” Hongbin softly asked, as he sat down next to Hakyeon. “It’s absolutely freezing!”

“I could ask you the same thing, you came and joined me.” Hakyeon chuckled, as he took a sip of the steaming tea.

“First off, you were out here first,” Hongbin stated, with a sarcastic smirk. “And secondly, I wanted to talk talk to you a bit more. For some reason I get the feeling these pondering sessions you get aren’t always the most positive. Specifically this one.”

“They aren’t always negative, either.” Hakyeon said softly, he watched the steam roll off of his chamomile tea instead of looking Hongbin in the eye. Hongbin did have a point though, they aren’t very positive at times, often pessimistic.

“Yeah, but most of them are, aren’t they?” Hongbin asked, as he gave Hakyeon a concerned look; one that’s a rare sight. Many people think Hongbin wasn’t a very compassionate person at first glance, but he does have his moments a lot. He’s quite the perceptive and intuitive person, albeit actually initiating deeper conversations has been rare for Hongbin. This was one of those rare instances.

"So which type is this one?" Hongbin persisted, looking to Hakyeon. "I'm getting the feeling it's a mix of both."

"You'd be right." Hakyeon sighed, as he looked back at the nightlife surroundings. "I guess I'm not sure how to feel."

"Is this about how Wonshik reacted earlier?" Hongbin tilted his head with a knowing look. Hakyeon nodded yes. "You know he's likely just confused, he's probably never met a trans person before."

"I know that, but that's also a main reason why so many people are ignorant about people like me." Hakyeon stated negatively. As harsh of a statement it was, Hongbin knew he had a point, but he also knew Wonshik wasn't that kind of person. "I just don't want him to get the wrong idea, whatever that may be."

"You know he wouldn't. Regardless, he has you to teach him differently." Hongbin pointed out as he sipped his tea. He moved his blanket to share it with the other when he notices Hakyeon shiver a bit. "He does have a fairly open mind about new things, you have to give him that. He might be confused, but you shouldn't take that as a bad thing."

"Yeah, I suppose so." Hakyeon said; trying to get as close to Hongbin as possible, as a breeze blew through. "I just have had a lot of people before be confused and then never want to learn. I know I need to give him a chance, but old fears never go away I guess."

"They never really do." Hongbin shook his head and looked to Hakyeon. "But it doesn't mean you can't work around them."

"And since when did you become such a wise sage?" Hakyeon cracked with a slight smile. "I knew you were smart, but I thought that all just went to your sarcastic jokes."

"Hey, give me some credit here!" Hongbin laughed, giving the other a nudge with his elbow. "I have at least a few brain cells rattling around in my head."

"Hm, you have a few more than that." Hakyeon rolled his eyes as he sipped more of his tea. "But yeah, I know Wonshik isn't like that. It's just something that's instilled in me apparently."

"Why don't you talk to him tomorrow then?" Hongbin suggested. "I'm sure he has questions, and I'm sure you could answer them. Just give the boy a chance. He didn't seem unsupportive, anyway."

"Yeah, I'm planning to. Just going to be a hard conversation to navigate, like always." Hakyeon gave him a nod. He stared at his tea for a moment before speaking again. "So, this kid from your school...? What were they like?"

"Hm, he was pretty sarcastic." Hongbin looked up, as if he was remembering the person. "Guess you could call him a wise sage, too."

Hakyeon looked pointedly at Hongbin, wondering if he just meant the person was similar to him or was in fact, Lee Hongbin himself trying to be sly about it. Hongbin just drank his tea for a moment, letting Hakyeon wonder.

"It wasn't me I promise you." Hongbin chuckled, as he shook his head at Hakyeon. "We were just similar, but at the same time he was such a wiser person than I ever could hope to be. I admit, the gender thing confused me too. But he always explained it in a clear way so I could understand."

“Were you guys close?” Hakyeon asked. It's not every day you come across another transgender person, especially one that's fairly open about it.

“We were for a few months. We grew close really quickly, we seemed to have so much in common but at the same time we were different enough to make it interesting.” Hongbin recalled fondly with a melancholic smile on his face. “If I'm being honest, in a lot of ways we were closer than just friends. Not exactly together, but we had that sort of connection that blurred the lines.”

“Did you like them, in that way?” Hakyeon softly asked, he tilted his head curiously at the other. Hakyeon never knew this about Hongbin; this was a new side to him that he first saw that night.

“Looking back on it, most definitely. I wanted them to stay by my side in whatever way possible for a long time.” Hongbin stated genuinely with a nod. “I still wish that sometimes.”

“What happened then?” Hakyeon tilted his head with a empathetic look.

“It was out of our control, really.” Hongbin said with a sad sigh as he looked back on it. “One day I go to school and he wasn’t there. I then hear the news that he transferred - his dad's choice. His dad apparently found out that he was bisexual, and thought his friend group was the problem.”

“I'm so sorry.” Hakyeon said sympathetically. He knew how hard it was to be queer and have the wrong people find out. To have someone that special ripped away from you can't be an easy thing to go through either.

“It's all fine now, I just hope he's doing okay.” Hongbin stated, looking out towards the city. Hakyeon can see the glimmer of yearning in the other's eyes. “If anything, I'd just like to know if he's alright.”

“I'm sure he is.” Hakyeon stated, trying to cheer the other up. He then moved to get up, still trying to clutch his blanket as close as possible. “Come on, let's not freeze out here any longer. Warm tea and blankets can only do so much.”

Hongbin nodded, and shuffled indoors alongside Hakyeon. Even though he lost such a special person in his life and there isn't any replacing them, Hongbin found himself grateful that he has friends such as Hakyeon in his life now.

-

It's the next day when Hakyeon decides to talk a bit more about the situation with Wonshik. He was nervous, and he knew he'd probably have to explain a lot to Wonshik, but given Hongbin's encouragement and support, Hakyeon was ready to talk to him.

It's late afternoon when Wonshik and Taekwoon emerged back from the company building's gym. Taekwoon was already informed of the situation; that Hakyeon had told Hongbin and Wonshik. So when he passed by Hakyeon he gave the older a knowing look. Taekwoon knew how nervous and anxious Hakyeon was when he came out to him. With just a look, Hakyeon was reminded he already had someone by his side if he ever needed it. Hakyeon couldn't be more appreciative.

Hakyeon waited patiently and nervously for Wonshik to be done with his post-workout shower so he could get the conversation over with. He watched the television just to pass the time, but didn't pay too much attention to the plot of the show. After a few minutes, Hakyeon got a short text from Hongbin, simply saying "Wonshikkie and I's room." There was no explanation, but Hakyeon got at what Hongbin was saying.

Hakyeon got up from the couch, and gave Taekwoon next to him a small smile before going to the other room. Once he entered their room with a light knock, he saw Wonshik just putting on a shirt and his hair still wet, while Hongbin sat on his bed with his phone in hand.

"Oh, hyung! You're here." Wonshik greeted, as he smoothed out his shirt. Hakyeon felt a small relief after the younger called him hyung, he was still referring to him by masculine titles. Then again it could just be a habit, but logically Hakyeon doubts Wonshik would start referring to him by female titles.

"Yeah, I just wanted to talk to you a bit more after yesterday." Hakyeon said, trying to give the younger a small friendly smile. "I don't want to leave you confused or lost."

"Oh, of course!" Wonshik nodded, he gestured for Hakyeon to come in and sit down with them in the room. "Hongbin has explained a little bit more of it, but I'm sure you'd explain it from a first-person perspective better."

"Yeah, I suppose so. Is there any questions you got or do you just like, want a general rundown?" Hakyeon asked, a little awkwardly. These conversations never get any less nerve-wracking.

"Well, Hongbin explained the medical bit, and I googled some of the transitioning methods." Wonshik said, thinking back on his talk with Hongbin before. "I suppose I'd just wanna know how it is personally. Like, what is dysphoria - how does it feel? That sort of stuff. The online results gave pretty vague answers."

"Oh, well. It's slightly different for everyone so I suppose that's why it's vague. But for me personally, dysphoria makes me very uncomfortably aware that my body isn't what it's supposed to be, to the point of emotional distress." Hakyeon started to explain to the other. "If you woke up in a female body suddenly, it'd start to feel really weird after the few novelty moments at first, wouldn't it?"

Wonshik thought for a moment, and then slowly nodded. "Yeah, I suppose it would. So it feels like your body did a switcharoo and never turned back into what it was used to be?"

"Pretty much; I think that's the only way I could explain it so you might understand the feeling." Hakyeon slowly stated and them affirmed it with a nod. "It's hard explaining it to someone who's never had gender dysphoria. But yes, it feels like my body should be one way and it never became like that."

"That's why trans people don't like it when people misgender them right?" Hongbin asked, looking to the eldest. "Because they're reminding them they don't look how they feel?"

"Exactly, it feels rather invalidating and it's sometimes a harsh reminder of your situation." Hakyeon nodded at the man beside him. "Especially if you were trying to pass as your gender, and look extra masculine or feminine that day."

“Is that why you didn’t tell us before…? Because you didn’t want us to view you...differently?” Wonshik asked, a sense of guilt hidden behind his words. Sure, Wonshik was new at this, but he would never want to invalidate Hakyeon or make him uncomfortable.

"A main part of it, yes. I was also afraid you'd judge me or vote to kick me out of the group or something." Hakyeon said honestly, the nerves flaring up as he thought about the things that could go wrong. "But logically, I know you aren't like that. You guys are the people I trust the most, and with that I have faith you'll treat me well regardless."

"Your faith is well placed then." Wonshik confirmed. "We wouldn't ever do that, Hakyeon. You're our leader, our friend; and you've treated us so well. We'd be fools not to accept you unconditionally."

Wonshik crossed the room to give Hakyeon a big bear hug, and nearly crushed him (with love) in the process. Hakyeon didn't mind though, he was trying his hardest not to cry and get too sappy. Albeit being crushed, Hakyeon squeezed Wonshik back, and after the other let go they both turned to Hongbin beside them. Hongbin raised an eyebrow, daring them to get him involved in their sappy moment.

They took the silent dare, and both piled on top of him in a loving dog pile with elbows accidentally jabbing each other a few times. But nonetheless all three letting out a laugh as they laid on top of another haphazardly, with their long legs dangling off the side of the bed. Hakyeon smiled at the younger two with a fond look, fluffing their hair and chuckling when Hongbin blows his disheveled long hair out of his face.

“Okay, this is great but please get off of me so I can breathe.” Hongbin wheezed, after so the two others politely rolled off of him. Although, Wonshik being the clumsy fool he is sometimes, managed to fall off the bed while getting off of Hongbin.

The past anxious and heavy feelings were forgotten as they laughed at Wonshik’s expense, as he rubbed his head and gave them a eye roll before chuckling at himself too. 

In that moment Hakyeon knew that no matter what he was born as and the struggles he's been through, he was always going to be one of the boys now, in their eyes and in his; he’s found a group of brotherly like friends he never thought he’d get. That's all he could ask for, really.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr is "captainchakyeon"  
> twitter is "vixxiah"  
> feel free to talk to me over there, spare some kudos, and/or leave some comments; all of which will be greatly appreciated! <3


	4. The Hesitant Key

It was not long after he came out to Wonshik and Hongbin that Hakyeon came out to Jaehwan. Like the previous members, it wasn’t planned but needed to happen anyway.

Jaehwan and Hakyeon were in the practice room, going over a choreography that Jaehwan still didn’t have the hang of yet. Jaehwan wasn’t known for his dance skills, but rather his talent in singing, but that didn’t stop Hakyeon from still spending spending extra time to help Jaehwan in the dancing aspects of the job. The industry is tough, and Hakyeon doesn’t want the other trainees to be lacking - especially in an area he could help them in.

They had gone over the choreo for about two hours when Jaehwan requested a break as he sat down on the floor with his hair sticking to his forehead with sweat. Hakyeon crossed the room to the package of bottled water, he grabbed two of them and handed one to Jaehwan once he sat down next to him.

“Hm, I feel like I’m still lacking.” Jaehwan said disapprovingly after he took a gulp of water.

“You’re improving a lot, Jyannie.” Hakyeon sincerely said. “I’m sure you’ll improve more, don’t be so hard on yourself.”

“Thank you.” Jaehwan smiled, before he lied down on his back. “Oh, by the way, how’s your solo choreo going along?”

“It’s… going. I have the majority memorized but I still have yet to perfect it.” Hakyeon stated after drinking some water. “It has a long way to go.”

“I’m sure you’ll get it soon! It’s a sexy choreography, right?” Jaehwan asked, Hakyeon nodded his head yes. “Just rip off your shirt in the middle of the performance - the fans will go nuts.”

“I’d rather not.” Hakyeon laughed it off, but felt his insecurities rising up. “I don’t have the looks for that, Wonshik would be better suited for such a thing.”

“Oh don’t be insecure just because you don’t have abs like him!” Jaehwan pouted his lips at Hakyeon. “You’re handsome, the fans will like it regardless.”

“I’m just insecure of my chest, is all.” Hakyeon shrugged, and hoped he’d let go of the subject.

"Why your chest?" Jaehwan looked over to the other with his brows scrunched. "Your chest is just fine."

"I suppose." Hakyeon said quietly, he wasn't sure how to say it's residual from when it appeared more feminine. Of course, it's changed now and his scars are barely noticeable - especially when you aren't looking for it.

He took another gulp of water, and stood up as he stated they should go over the choreography once more before going back to the dorms. On the way to the dorms, Hakyeon promised to himself that he'll tell Jaehwan soon, when the time was right, and he has the courage to do so.

**  
It was the next day, and Hakyeon and Taekwoon were in the kitchen cooking lunch for the other couple trainees in their dorm. The other trainees were in the living room area, playing card games and chattering loudly amongst themselves. Since it was a simple pasta meal, it didn't take too long to finish. Once done, Taekwoon went out to the living room to announce the meal to everyone.

They had a usual meal together, all sat around the coffee table in the dorm. Some continued playing the card game while they ate their meals, while others had conversations amongst themselves.

Jaehwan sat next to Hakyeon on the couch, eating his food happily while pitching in with jokes every so often to the conversation next to them. After a few moments, he noticed Hakyeon barely eating his food and a bit zoned out in thought.

"Hey, you alright?" Jaehwan asked quietly, his puppy eyes blinked worriedly at the older boy. "You didn't poison the food did you?"

"Of course I didn't." Hakyeon let out small laugh. In truth, he was still nervous about telling Jaehwan about his gender. He had struck lucky with the others, but who knows what Jaehwan may feel about it. "I'm fine, don't worry."

Jaehwan nodded, and went back to the other conversation. Hakyeon didn't really pay attention too much, only half aware of his surroundings. His anxiety made him feel numb and jittery at the same time; he felt like he was lying to Jaehwan the longer he kept it from him, and he hated that feeling. Jaehwan was one of the trainees he was closest to, so he didn't deserve to be left out of the loop.

After the meal, it was Jaehwan and Hakyeon who were cleaning the dishes together. The other trainees in their dorm were busy doing other household chores of their own; it made Hakyeon thankful that Hongbin was good at keeping the other trainees on track with chores.

As Jaehwan helped him with the dishes, Hakyeon thought to himself that this would be a good opportunity to tell him. Or at least bring up the subject and get a vibe for how the other feels about it. As nervous as he was just thinking about it, Hakyeon knew he should probably take the opportunity.

Right when he opened his mouth to start the conversation, Hongbin and two other trainees came into the kitchen and started help clean the kitchen. And since Hakyeon didn't want to scold or shoo them away as they were being helpful and orderly, he decided to have the conversation another time.

He didn’t sleep well that night.

**

Two more days fly by without Hakyeon bringing up the topic he wanted to talk about with Jaehwan. With each second he felt that it was getting more urgent to talk to him about it, but regardless they were busy with vocal lessons, dance practice, and the like. Their management were even talking about making a pre-debut show online about the upcoming group they will be making out of the male trainees they have now.

So it's sort of a given that the trainees are both buzzing with excitement and nerves, with confirmation that at least some of them will be debuting and there may even be a show centering around up until and during their debut. Especially Hakyeon, given he's one of the eldest there and the unofficial leader of the trainees.

But he still feels that he needs to tell Jaehwan, and soon - before the show starts and their possible debut. Luckily enough, he finds a chance one day - Jaehwan, Taekwoon, and him all planned to go down to a local restaurant and eat some lunch. Hakyeon told Taekwoon a while back he had planned to come out to all the other trainees he was close to, and before they left for the restaurant Hakyeon briefly mentioned that he may come out to Jaehwan during their lunch.

Taekwoon nodded and promised he'd help him if needed. Hakyeon smiled at him, as he was glad he had come out to him; Taekwoon had been nothing but supportive since he came out to him. Hakyeon found him himself very grateful for that.

Since the restaurant wasn't far away at all - only a couple blocks, and it was a fairly nice spring day they all decided to walk together there. On the way there, they made excited conversation about their debut in two months, and their hopes for becoming part of the debuting group.

Hakyeon wasn't too sure about himself becoming a part of the group, as there were other trainees skilled in dancing and could make a decent leader; but he held faith that Jaehwan and Taekwoon had good chances of debuting because of their talents in singing. Possibly coming from his insecurity, Hakyeon still felt like he had a ways to improve before he debut; but he still had high hopes he would.

They made it to the restaurant within a couple of minutes, and when they entered the building the delicious smell of grilled meat and vegetable soups hit them like a wave, and made their stomachs that more hungry.

Within a few moments they were seated at a small table, they all looked through the menus together, choosing a meat to grill and side dishes they wanted. Jaehwan and Taekwoon spent a good five minutes debated two side dishes, before finally compromising on one.

They eventually ordered and then at that point, the conversation died down; Taekwoon looked at Hakyeon as if he was asking if he'd bring the conversation up now. Hakyeon nervously gulped in response. He knew that was the best time to do so, but he found his heart racing and anxiety kicking in like the past times he's come out.

Jaehwan looked slightly confused as to why Hakyeon has gone nervously quiet and Taekwoon was looking between the two of them, as the older thought of something to say. He blinked, squinted a bit and shrugged it off until Hakyeon eventually spoke up.

"Jaehwannie, can I tell you something?" Hakyeon asked, he tried to not let his voice come out shaky.

"Oh god, don't tell me you killed someone." Jaehwan jokingly said, as he attempted to relieve some of the tension. Hakyeon rolled his eyes and shook his head. "Oh, girlfriend? Secret lover perhaps? Oh my god, don't tell me - you're a vampire."

"No, no I'm not dating anyone, and of course not." Hakyeon denied with a playful push on Jaehwan's shoulder. "Also how is that even possible - whatever, besides the point."

"If not a girlfriend, murder, or vampire, what is it then?" Jaehwan asked with an arch of the eyebrow, he was curious once he realized Hakyeon was solemnly serious. "Nothing is wrong, right?"

"No, I hope not - nothing should be. " Hakyeon shook his head once more. "It's just, a bit of a serious topic I suppose."

"Taekwoon, do you know what's going on?" Jaehwan turned to the other, Taekwoon simply nodded, having no reason to lie. "What's going on, what's got you all serious?"

"Do you know what transgender means?" Hakyeon asked, the topic finally brought up. He gulped once again, trying to read Jaehwan's face. Jaehwan blinked, his face falling flat as he thought for a moment. "Have you- have you heard of the term before?-"

"Are you saying you're...?" Jaehwan trailed off and gestured to the eldest in question, his voice quieter. "Are you saying you're transgender?"

"Yes; I know it may be confusing and shocking." Hakyeon stated as calmly as he could. "But I hope you know I'm telling you this because I trust you, Jyannie, I really hope you don't view me any differently..."

Before Jaehwan could respond the waitress came over with the side dishes and grilled meat, the conversation paused for a moment, tension slightly arising for Hakyeon as not knowing how Jaehwan felt yet was making his anxiety peak. Taekwoon softly thanked her, and she left the table after she made sure they didn't need anything else.

Taekwoon helped spread the dishes out on the table, and looked to Hakyeon and Jaehwan - nerves showed in his face too. He used his chopsticks to give the other two a good serving of meat and kimchi on their rice. Taekwoon didn't know quite what to say, he came for moral support and just in case things got ugly. But he was never great with words in situations like this.

"So Taekwoon knows you're... transgender?" Jaehwan picked at his kimchi with his chopsticks, as he looked up to Hakyeon in the corner of his eyes.

"Yes, he confronted me a while ago about some of my behaviors that related to my gender." Hakyeon said honestly. "I wanted to be sincere with him, so I told him. Just like with you, I thought you'd deserve to know as well, since we’re good friends."

"Yeah I'm glad you told me." Jaehwan nodded as he put some seaweed onto his plate. Hakyeon couldn't determine what Jaehwan was feeling, his face still a bit flat; his anxiety instinctively told him that was a negative sign but he tried not to believe it. "Is this why you were feeling insecure the other day? When we were practicing that choreography?"

"Yeah, I suppose so." Hakyeon said as he recalled the other day. "I've had, yaknow, surgery on my chest to appear more masculine. But there's still small scars from where the incision was."

"Ah, I see." Jaehwan nodded, he chewed on his lip a bit as he mulled it over in his mind. His eyes not meeting the other's, instead focused on the food in front of him. Hakyeon exhaled quietly as he thought that this might not have been the greatest decision.

"It's okay if you need some time - it's not small news I know." Hakyeon said softly, he did know that Jaehwan might've just needed some time to process it. "I'll understand, let's just eat for now - I know you're hungry."

Jaehwan nodded and apologized quietly as he patted Hakyeon on the shoulder. That was the only reassurance that Hakyeon got that day.

**

The next day they had a schedule, some more dancing lessons from their main choreographer and a vocal review. Hakyeon didn't get great sleep - yet again, but nonetheless he still had his leader responsibilities to take care of. After Hakyeon felt awake himself, he went onto waking the other members - aka Wonshik, who found it impossible to wake from a typical alarm clock and practically had to be dragged out of bed.

Thankfully Taekwoon was already in the kitchen, and was in the process of making coffee for the half-wake trainees. Well, mainly for his own love of coffee probably, but there's enough to go around.

Once they sluggishly made their way to the practice space in the company building nearby, the boys eventually perked up a bit as they warmed up during their stretches and dance practice. They went through the routine they were learning a couple times - their choreographer drilling it into their heads more before some of them branched off into the other practice rooms to start their vocal lessons early.

The trainees who were most likely to become dance positions - if they were to debut, spent more time with the choreographer during practice times, and vice versa with the vocal positions. Although they all had group lessons regularly, but they mostly spent their time on the position they'd likely end up in. The company tried to make sure the trainees were becoming confident in their unique skill sets, while also being stable in a variety of things.

A few hours later, and some rather routine group and individual practices was over for the trainees for the rest of the day. Some trainees opted to go back to the dorms, Wonshik and another rapping trainee decided to go to the gym together, and Hakyeon and Jaehwan decided to stay in the dance practice room for a while longer.

Jaehwan had been showing good progression on the dance routine they were learning at the time, it was more hip-hop based which was definitely not in Jaehwan's comfort zone - hell, not even really Hakyeon's comfort zone. Wonshik was more in his element in that routine than they were; but nonetheless they still practiced it together. Practice makes perfect as they say.

After three or four run-throughs of the routine, Hakyeon finally called it finished for the day, Jaehwan did a little cheer as he sat down leaning on the wall. After a moment of lull in conversation as they drank some water and caught their breathe after a hard practice, Jaehwan walked over to Hakyeon who was sat at the sound control on his phone. He cleared his throat, getting Hakyeon's attention before speaking up.

"Um, about yesterday. I just wanted to apologize if I worried you at all. That wasn’t my intention." Jaehwan said, his face showed concern. He paused, exhaled a breath and mulled over what he was going to say next for a moment. "I wanted to say, you're still just as much of a man to me as any of the other trainees, I promise. It's just, I know next to nothing really about being transgender - I’ll be honest. I was shocked, and I guess I was worried about saying the wrong thing - I still am, actually."

"I totally get that, don't worry." Hakyeon nodded, a wave of relief came over him as Jaehwan affirmed he's still a man to him. He understood it can be a shock sometimes. "If you have any questions, well - you know who to ask. You know I value your opinion and want you to think approvingly of me, but I want to be honest with you regardless. You're my friend, I feel like you should know these things about me."

"Hakyeon, unless you murdered someone I think I'm always going to think approvingly of you." Jaehwan chuckled lightly, and Hakyeon smiled at the other - jokes aside he was glad he accepted him. "Yeah, I might have a lot of questions to be able to understand but I'll always be willing to learn. As you said, we’re friends, I’ll try my best to accept you."

"Thank you, Jaehwannie." Hakyeon smiled as he stood up and gave the other one of his famous bear hugs, Jaehwan groaned out a bit when Hakyeon squeezed him tightly but affectionately squeezed him back before pulling away when he needed to, yaknow, breathe. "Knew I could always rely on our cutie main vocal."

"Cutie main vocal, I kinda like the sound of that." Jaehwan stated, before giving a cute pout. Hakyeon chuckled, shook his head and decided to make his way back to the dorms after grabbing his belongings, telling the 'cutie main vocal,' to join him before he misses dinnertime.

Jaehwan scrambles to gather his things, but in reality Hakyeon wasn't actually in a rush. After the younger joins in in the doorway, Hakyeon turns off the main lights in the practice room, and ruffles Jaehwan's fluffy hair before the younger skipped down the hallway as he stated loudly he wanted fried chicken for dinner.

He found himself in that moment, grateful and appreciative that his very silly and ridiculous friend group have been so accepting, he really couldn't feel more loved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm....not as confident in this chapter as some of the others but oh well.
> 
> comments and kudos will be treasured forever in my heart <3
> 
> twitter: @vixxiah  
> tumblr: captainchakyeon

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr; captainchakyeon  
> twitter; vixxiah
> 
> kudos/comments are always fantastic <3


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